Really?

It's lonely... :( I hear: oh you're a perfect guy...but you must be taken or too good to be true...really I'm just lonely. I don't have many friends...that's just how I am. I don't let many people into my world. I'm trying to think now if I have any friends...
I try to help my friends from class study...but they just get pissed when I do well and they don't. They don't want me in the study group anymore...I'm even more lonely now. My best friend and companion is gone; why she had to go I don't know....just "one of those things" i guess.
I don't fit in...couldn't if i tried. I stick out like a sore thumb all the time. I'm smart, I'm funny...well maybe more in an odd quirky way, I'm attractive, artistic, musical, and I just don't fit in.
I'm doing well though. Doing great in school; awesome in clinicals -- people request me! Getting a new job soon. People think of me as a great guy, and I am -- but people just don't get close...or stay close.
I'm lonely tonight and I really miss you...you made me feel like I belonged :(

Solitude

Do you suppose that some people are in this alone? I took a walk tonight. I laid in the snow and just let it fall -- I swear I could hear it. No stars -- a quiet mirror diffused idle city light as I watched -- captivated.
Snowflakes are a lot like us I think; they're blown around -- drifting -- collecting bits and pieces of the things around them. As they progress, they acquire a unique and beautiful shape. Once they've reached a point where they can no longer be sustained in their origin, they make their descent. We're drifting about -- all of us -- acquiring our own unique shapes as our souls pass through this place...Well that's what I think anyway...
Faith is tricky -- You've got to hold on to something and believe it with all of your heart, even if logic fails you -- trust is required...those two concepts appear quite a bit together, trust and faith...easy doesn't enter into it at all. I have faith in my heart tells me...I'm a fool -- a wonderful fool.
I will always have love for you...it's part of my shape now...it's a part of my soul; it cannot be taken off or altered. It's a simple concept, but a difficult practice lately. I hope we pick up where we left off...I have faith in that...I'm a wonderful fool.
Write more later
--Ry

Bad dream?

I still wake up sometimes and think maybe it was all just a bad dream...I get those sometimes. After a moment or two passes I remember everything. You're gone.
I pray this isn't the end of our story; that someday this will all just be the sadness that contrasts our love. I'm a romantic and a fool sometimes -- a dangerous combination.
I have to be going for now -- I'll write more later. --

February

Patience will be rewarded in February...

Another try --

Giving this blogging thing another try ~ post more later.

Random Sketches

--Just random...It won't progress to more than just a sketch.

--I'm starting to like this one a little. It looks better w/ charcoal if you ask me...I don't usually like to finish, or follow up on sketches--but this one just may make it. -- I don't have any charcoal pencils...so I just lit split one of my pencils down the middle, and I set the tip on fire and let it burn until only charcoal is left...I like the tone--and it's much cheaper! -- By the way.. there is a sculpture out there of this angel--I modified it a little...the sculpture is a very sad thing to look at.

--A lot more clean than the charcoal..but there's just something missing. There's absolutely no emotion coming off of this sketch...
--I'm partial to this one...I saw a Japanese brush painting of this, and I felt compelled to sketch it. The painting is simple and beautiful.

--A horse...I'll probably try it in charcoal...but I don't see this one going anywhere...

Random Pics

--I sort of hoped this would turn out better. Last year, the sun would paint the room a brilliant reddish/rust color--I loved it--especially during the winter when I could sit just open the curtains and sit in the sun--I got the peace of winter AND the warmth of the sun... Too bad this year my room is facing east, so we get the rising sun instead. So I have to go get my fix at a different spot. I've found an entirely secluded spot between campus, and the airport. NOBODY goes back there. There's a stream, and a big open field with woods on two sides and plenty of places to just chill out. Hopefully it will remain a secret--places are becoming harder to come by.

--The setting sun from "the top of the world" -- The "top of the world" is a parking garage I spend a lot of time at--There's hardly anyone there to bother me during the evenings and it has a great view...In defiance to my fear of heights, I sit on the edge and let my feet hang over...As long as I don't look down it's peaceful.-- I'll take a picture from the other side & post it sometime.

--This is where I spend my time in the summer

War! HUH! what is it good for?

--For those of you who don't know--we are at war. We've been at war since 2001...yet nobody knows. Alright, our country was attacked! Everyone wanted some sort of disciplinary action--some sort of consequence to punish those responsible....Hmmm ok, I understand that; "an eye for an eye" I don't necessarily agree with that...but I understand that there are plenty of people in this country who "need" that for a sense of security--reassurance that people can't get away with murder (which I DO agree with.) People shouldn't be able to get away with murder...but 'an eye for an eye?' come on, what kind of example is that? Killing someone for murder?? Ya, instead of one murder...we have two? How does that make sense...How arrogant! -- I'm off on a tangent
--So we high-tail it over to Iraq to fight...terrorism...Lets examine terrorism for a second--"using violence to achieve some political purpose." So America is afraid of another terrorist attack, and still VERY upset about the loss of hundreds of thousand innocent lives in the attack. I'm not going to pretend to know what it feels like to have a loved one(s) taken from you so savagely. We take this anger, and new found patriotism, and proceed to fight terrorism...an ideal...You can't fight ideals with artillery/force, and if you think you can...you're wrong. You can't fight an ideal (particularly a malicious one, like terrorism) with a bullet anymore than you can fight a fire with gasoline...we're just adding to the terror...and dare I say to achieve a political purpose?? Think about that...I'll return to that idea in a bit.
--We put a face on terrorism...Osamah Bin Ladin (forgive any spelling error) But how naive is it to personify terrorism? If we kill Osamah, will terrorism go away?? If we achieve vengeance, will the pain go away?? OF COURSE NOT! No, we CAN'T allow murder...but what we're doing has to be above vengeance--HAS TO BE!...but I fear we've lost sight of that...if we even had it to begin with. We look for Osamah, which was a fruitless effort...then we shift our cause for intrusion in Iraq--we reevaluate our position...Suddenly before anyone knows it, we're there to search and destroy Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMAs)...and Sadam Husein (a name synonymous with death and destruction) was somehow involved. My head was spinning a little after that...but alright, If you think there are WMAs in Iraq, and Sadam plans to use them against us...then confrontation is very understandable. We ask to see specific "hot spots" where we believe weapon development is taking place, and Sadam denies us access. (Would we allow other countries to openly view OUR weapon development "hot spots?" of course not) So we blow past him, and search for these WMAs...another fruitless effort...
--If all else fails, liberate a country. America flexes it's muscle, and capture Sadam, and instill a democracy.

--I'm incredible tired right now, and will continue this some other time...I don't mean to rant, and I know I haven't even gotten to the point of my argument yet--but I'll get there. I need to revise some statements I'm sure.
--My friends are there fighting--dying, and for what?? America seems to be attempting to forge some sort of utopian society through war and force...Utopia cannot be achieved by forcing everyone into submission...Utopia cannot be achieved at all.
--This is another Vietnam...But nobody knows! My generation is dying in Iraq...FOR A BIG FAT "?" And they just sweep it under the rug. What's the purpose of even watching the news now??? Government censorship stifles any relevant news about the war from reaching the ever attentive ears of the average American citizen...at least I hope they're "ever attentive" People are dying every day---PEOPLE--REAL PEOPLE, and it's all swept under the rug!! For what?? -- To avoid another ant-war movement like during Vietnam??? It's working...and that's the sad thing...what infuriates me. The government treats the average citizen like a naive child--where the whole concept of war would escape us. That we couldn't possible understand that what they're doing could possibly be for our own good. Fuck that -- and that's how everyone should feel. They're forging this war in YOUR best interest -- in YOUR name, and nobody told YOU! HOW DARE THEY!
--You can't make flyers, start web-sites, or rally people in some anti-war movement without being labeled a left-wing, anti-war extremist; without being scoffed at, or seen as naive, or inferior. There needs to be a way to reach more people...Because if more people knew...more people would fight. Knowledge IS power, and the government sifles that power, and YOU SHOULD BE PISSED! --
--I'm sure I wouldn't have to go very far to find someone who would be more than happy to "set me straight" or call me "a left-wing, anti-war extremist." Or hell, just call me an idiot...But ask yourself: If what they are doing is right...why hide their motives from the general public...why keep us in the dark...If what they're doing is right... why censor it. ( Of course censor the gore, and ugliness that war entails...and censor the sensitive information that our enemies aren't allowed to see--but keep the flow of information open to us--My God! we're the ones fighting YOUR war!)
--I'll write more later...I need to get some sleep...I know I've probably misquoted something, or phrased something wrong somewhere, I'm not going to proofread this right now. The point is just to question just what is going on here--it's a very important subject...but nobody knows much about it. why? just keep asking "why"
-Ryan